In reflecting on the impact the Great Books program has had on my life, the first thing that comes to my mind is all of the books I have received as part of the program. This variety of around 40 books covers a wide span of eras, subjects, and philosophies. It is through these books and our discussions of them that I have grown both mentally and spiritually. An aspect of Great Books that has impacted me the most was the time I spent at the Blessed Trinity retreat.
I had a lot of apprehension before the retreat. I wasn’t sure what to expect from my time at Blessed Trinity. I knew there would be times of meditation, study, and group discussions of reading. I also knew we would be taken care of by nuns, and I wasn’t sure how much we would interact with them. The mystery that shrouded the retreat made me a little nervous. All of my anxiety melted away when I saw the location and its open, inviting grounds. As I walked into the cross-shaped building, I was in awe at the simple beauty of the atrium with a statue of Mary and of the chapel with the depiction of Christ on the cross. The beauty of the retreat was not the only memorable thing. The sisters were kind, respectful, and always ready to assist. The purpose of the retreat was to provide a place for reflection, and the quietness of the retreat really aided that goal. The silence of the estate was refreshing because the world we live in is saturated with noise. I remember during the first meditation, I sat outside within the screened porch. As I worked through the first session, some wind chimes right outside the porch were chiming were clear brilliance. I was so happy that it was quiet enough that I could listen to the wind chimes.
I learned many things in my time on the Blessed Trinity retreat. Through the discussions, meditations, and study sessions I was able to reflect on my purpose in God’s plan. I learned that silence is wonderful for reflection and meditation. I do not spend a lot of my time in silence. Whenever I am alone, I usually have music playing so I hear some sort of noise. At the retreat, there were multiple hours I spent in silent meditation and prayer. The impact those times of quiet still astounds me. In the silence, I was able to truly think about God’s purpose for my life. And it was during this time that I rediscovered my joy in reading and learning from God’s word. I used the suggested reading for each section and even journaled each time, writing down what thoughts I had about the verses and what God was saying to me. I understand now why the Desert Fathers spent so much time alone in silence. Silence allows true contemplation. I now spend a couple hours each week in quiet meditation. It is in this time that I devote myself to prayer, reading scripture, and examining myself in accordance with God’s word.
During the second meditation session, I reflected on God’s blessings in my life. I was reflecting on the talents and passions God has placed within me, and a pattern started to emerge: my love for theatre and music, my desire to connect with people (especially children), and my passion for sharing Christ with others can all work together in the work of a theatre teacher. I want to help people express themselves in a safe environment and use their talents to connect with others. Great Books connects with my musical theatre major through the study of humanity. Christ calls us to connect with other people, and I believe I can reach a lot of people through theatre and music.
On the Blessed Trinity retreat, I learned a lot about how God sees us, His children. During the third session, I wrote a “self-profile” for how I believed God sees me. I wrote down mostly negative things, focusing on the sin in my life and how much disappointment I thought God felt when He saw me. When it came time for group discussion, Dr. Fullman brought up the perspective that God sees us as beloved children. It was difficult for me to truly believe that God already loved me without me “proving myself” to Him. In his book The Return of the Prodigal Son, Nouwen describes the love of God using the example of the Father in the parable of the prodigal son. Nouwen describes the evil voices as the ones that doubt him and “deny loudly that love is a totally free gift” (40). We talked about knowing the difference between the voices of the evil spirit, the good spirit, and our own voice. The Spiritual Exercises suggests that there are three types of thoughts: those from ourselves (our own free will), those from the evil spirit, and those from the good spirit (Spiritual Exercise 32). The evil thoughts are loud compared to the whisper of the Father. The evil spirit tells me that I am not enough, that no matter how much work I do it is never good enough. The evil spirit says that I will never succeed at anything. However, this negativity is not the portrait of God that we get from the parable of the Prodigal Son or from the rest of the Bible. Jesus describes God as the Father who is waiting for us in Luke 15; John 14 describes God as the Father of a home with many rooms, waiting for His children to come home. While I cannot literally work for my salvation, Jesus has paid the debt for my sins at Calvary, Galatians 3:13-15. God wants my heart because obedience will follow. The good spirit is the voice of the Father telling us we are loved. He wants me to start the journey home so He can run to me and bring me back. As Nouwen says, God is not playing hide-and-seek with us (106); He is diligently seeking us. The time I spent at the Blessed Trinity retreat helped me to see that God wants me as I am right now.
Through my time in Great Books and my almost 4 years at Faulkner, I have experienced growth emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. It has been a long and difficult journey, but I know it is only the beginning. People say that college is part of the defining decade of life. If that’s true, I know I have a lot of growing up still to do. As I continue to grow and mature, I will take what I learned in Great Books, including the retreat, to guide me in my endeavors. I am looking forward to sharing Christ and his love through theatre, music, and, of course, discussing great works of literature.
